On Being Me

It's odd. Just when I think I have it all figured out, some new reality or truth rears its little head and I'm 16 and DUMB again. Not that being 16 and female necessarily means that one is dumb...but me? At 16? Dumb. Maybe naive is a better way to describe it. But whatever. You know what I mean.

I can't really even begin to think about putting what's going on down on paper. So for now, I'll just be brave and say that there's something going on. Inside me. An awakening maybe. A realization, for sure.

More later. Kids are looming near.

Me II

I am a dynamic, progressive, confident woman.

Yes, I am.

The Day I Never Dreamed Would Happen...

This will be brief. I got a verbal warning at work today. I was advised that this is the first step in the disciplinary process and that further action can and will be taken if my current behaviors continue. Further action, I was told, up to and including termination. This information was delivered to me with a smile. One week before I am scheduled to have surgery and be out for 6 weeks. Right after I was told that my job is being given to someone else. Right after I was told that it's uncertain at this time what I will be doing upon my return from medical leave.

This is after I have reported to HR, the director of the project, my mentor and MY MOTHER that I should not be working with this boss. I have worked for this company for over six years with GLOWING reviews. EXCELLENT in some cases. And, I might add, a damn fine resume that is chock full of solid, meaningful PROOF of my abilities. I am not the failing type. Ever.

Let me add that there are SEVERAL of us who are FAILING under said boss. Said boss has been in place for nine months. I know for a fact that at least two of us have not failed in the past.

What type of a leader is said boss that failure is the rule rather than the exception? I am suggesting that said boss knows and lives failure, so that is what said boss sees in everyone else. Kind of like when you buy a new car, say a PT Cruiser, and you begin to notice PT Cruisers EVERYWHERE. It's because you have PT Cruiser on the brain. Get me?

I am a very loving, caring and forgiving woman. I create opportunities for love everywhere I go. I love and care about said boss and see her gifts. But her failures speak so loudly, that it's hard to see past them. Or not. Okay. I choose to see past them. Now I get to forgive said boss. I get to. I get to because I am still employed, making money, living indoors, paying my bills, being loved by my children, enjoying my friends... I get to because I choose to.

After all, what's the worst that could happen? It's not like she can steal my birthday.

Leadership

First, I thought I could place my trust in the company. But I found that companies aren't constant. They fold, change and downsize. Some companies are terrible to work for. Others, not so bad. I found that I cannot give my allegiance to the company.

Then, I thought that I could place my trust in the leader. But I found that leaders aren't constant. They die, transfer and quit. Some leaders are terrible to work for. Others, not so bad. I found that I cannot give my allegiance to the leader.

Next, I thought that I could place my trust in the work. But I found that work isn't constant. It gets automated, redesigned and outsourced. Some work is terrible to do. Other work, not so bad. I found that I cannot give my allegiance to the work.

So, finally, I found something I can trust. It's constant...doesn't get downsized, transferred or outsourced. It's never, ever terrible.

I found that I can give my allegiance to...

Me!

I believe in myself. I am loyal, loving and trusting of myself, so no matter which company I work for, who my boss is, or what type of work I do, I find satisfaction and excellence.

Me

I am a loving, giving, motivational, inspirational woman.

What if...there's a LOT more left to learn...?

Recently, a new friend asked me what the Relationship of my Dreams would look like. After some thought, I came up with four requirements that (at a minimum) all of the meaningful relationships in my life must consist of.

Trust...Love...Honesty...Respect

So, I can say:

1) I want personal relationships that are based on those four main requirements.
2) In order to have relationships based on those requirements, I must find others who possess them.
3) In order to ask for those requirements from others, I have to be able to bring them to the relationship.
4) In order to bring them to a relationship with someone else, I must first have a relationship with myself that includes those things!!!!!!!!!!!

I must love, trust, respect and be honest with myself
And I rarely am
I wondered why I couldn't find fulfillment
I was always searching
And now I know
I need to be good to me in order to be genuinely good to anyone else

Only through having that type of relationship with myself, can I stop looking for approval from others and start giving it to myself.

I feel a journey coming on...!

Waiting...

Some of the most valuable periods of life are those during which we are waiting for something to happen. It's in those quiet moments that have no particular purpose that we find the time to discover more about ourselves.

trust me

the world will not stop spinning if you sit quietly for five minutes and do nothing

no one will die because you turn your cell phone off while you take a 15-minute break

they will not stop making food on tuesday because you decided to sleep in late or stay in your pj's all day saturday

your birthday will not be stolen from you if you stop, right now, for just one minute, take a big, deep breath and r-e-l-a-x

i promise

spiritual blanket

go to the craft store
choose a few skeens of yarn
have your partner do the same

put the skeens side by side
do the colors complement each other?
how about the texture?
the fibers?
the feel?

adjust as necessary until it feels right

now, spend the better part of each day for a year knitting this carefully selected yarn into a nice, warm afghan

use it for 50 years...18,250 days...438,000 hours...26,280,000 minutes

Over the course of 50 years, there will be births, deaths, taxes, high points, low points, comedy, tragedy, love and hate.

Over the course of 50 years, that afghan will have warded off the freezing cold of a thousand winter nights, been tossed aside during summer heatwaves, covered sleeping grandchildren, and gotten spilled upon, ripped, poked, and rubbed thin.

Over the course of 50 years, it will have been washed thousands of times, had hundreds of holes repaired and be frayed, worn and well-loved.

Careful handling and timely repairs ensure a good, long life for the afghan. Once so lovingly crafted, it would, after 50 years, show the signs of a dutiful existence.

Such is a relationship. At the beginning, you bare your souls to each other in the hopes that you've found a good match. You reveal to each other your hopes, dreams, fears and burning desires. If you're lucky, you find that the person you are with has what it takes to be your lifetime partner.

Then begins the creation of a spiritual bond of love and warmth that brings the two of you together. Through time, the strength of that spiritual bond is tested. Much attention and love must be given to that bond. And, when rips and holes are made, they must be quickly repaired.

Just like the afghan needs to be repaired so that it can survive the years, so must our spiritual bond be repaired.

self-reflection

i was told as a small child that loving one's self is vain
and tho i know it's not true
that little girl still lives inside me
and she believes it
the woman knows better
but the little girl doesn't listen very well
she never did