Random Thoughts I've Had Lately

Late at night, when I'm supposed to be sleeping, but what I'm doing instead is tossing and turning and getting all twisted up in my covers, I've begun to record some of the thoughts that drift around in my mind. Often, at 2am, I'm under the covers, typing my nighttime ponderings into the notepad on my PDA.

So, here are a few of them. They're completely random...no real rational thought involved:

* fear leads to over-protection. fear also leads to a compulsion to control. i think the concept of control is illusory. and temporary.

* i believe in giving myself away. so what if i get hurt? it's so completely worth it! that means i'm alive! i want to live freely, expansively and experientially, and with great love!

* is there any purpose or meaning in a life not shared with others? an experience, unshared...does it have value? what is to be gained by keeping experiences to ourselves? wasn't life intended to be shared? how does anyone derive any satisfaction or joy from a life unshared? if we don't share, then what is the point of existing at all? i shudder to think how unsatisfying and lonely i would be without people with whom i can share all of me.

They're random and disconnected, but I thought that if I was thinking things like this, maybe some of you are, too. And maybe if you find something we have in common, you might want to talk about them...or share your thoughts...

Much love,
Tina

Leaping!

I tend to be a "leap before you look" kind of person. In life, I jump in with both feet before testing the water. Literally.

When I was 10, my family went on vacation to Florida, and along the way we stopped at a little motel for the night so my parents could rest. I'm sure the beds were comfy and all, but the only thing I could think of as we pulled in was, "Do they have a pool? Do they have a pool?" YES! They did!

I couldn't move fast enough to get my swimming suit on and get out to that pool. It was a fairly small pool, and if my memory serves me right, there was only one other person there (an older lady?) besides my mommy and me. I remember my mom walking around the edge, checking it out. And me? I jumped right in, of course!

I expected to plunge into the pool, feeling the shock of the cold water as I sank like a stone to the bottom. And then I would push off the bottom and rocket up to the top, breaking the surface in a spray of water, gasping for breath. That was my plan, anyway. WRONG. I jumped in, and bzrt! (by the way, that's the sound of a record player needle being scratched across the tracks of a record) I was stunned to find myself standing in water that only came halfway up my thighs. I remember the feeling in my feet and legs - that jarring, this-is-going-to-hurt-later feeling. But more than the physical, I was disappointed. I can only imagine what I must have looked like to the lady who was sitting there. I kind of remember her saying something like, "Not as deep as you thought it was, huh?" or something like that. Of course, my mommy and I went on to have lots of fun. (My mom knows how to make ANYTHING fun - ask me about getting my tonsils out when I was 5. LOL). Anyway, the shallow water was just perfect for us to splash around in and cool down. And we went on to have a wonderful vacation at Disney World.

But, the profound disappointment of that moment and the fun we had afterward, has stayed with me through the years. I suppose it was a defining moment of sorts.

Over the next 30 years of my life, the lesson wasn't lost. And if you know me, you know that what I learned was not "look before you leap." More, it was to continue to live my life with wild abandon, high hopes, rose-colored glasses and always believing the glass is not only half full, but all the way full. To leap fully and eagerly into whatever good I find in life. And that if my expectations fall short of reality, to assess the situation, pull out the good, appreciate what I have, and be happy.

So, I will continue to love without fear or regret, laugh with ease, smile at everyone I meet, make new friends, and keep both of my feet moving forward in this beautiful world.

I love ya, and thanks for reading me!

Mrs. Tina Lynn Hignite